I am a half marathoner!

Cross it off my bucket list...I did it,  I ran a half marathon last Sunday.
I was considering backing out and claiming an injury, but I followed through, all by myself.  The most I had run (or shall I say run/walked) was 4.5 miles and that was just earlier that week.  I came up with excuses all of the time to actually avoid training.   It's too hot, the house needs to be cleaned, the dogs need a bath, I should organize the kitchen cupboards, I should take a nap or simply, my husband is home.  I had the gamut of excuses all summer it not go out and run.  I did however manage to play tennis with a girlfriend from work, so I had some exercise.  I still can't believe I did it.   After I crossed the finish line, I was overcome with emotions that I didn't expect to have.  I almost let out a full cry.  It was more of an OMG moment, I am a half marathoner.  Did I just do that?  Where is my cape, I feel like a superhero.  I remember having that distinct feeling of superpowerdom that I had when I climbed an mountain in the alps.  Despite being exhausted, I felt invincible, like I could accomplish anything and I felt this same way after 13.1 miles.  I didn't get the "runners high", but I caught  myself grinning during the race.  I felt almost elated to run over the ambassador bridge and through the Windsor tunnel.  Who gets to do that cool stuff, me!
So I would definitely do it again and now I have some friends on board who also want to sign up.  Cool, running with a group would be fun, but I'll admit there was something cool about doing it all by myself, I felt like a renegade.   I am woman hear me roar...or groan about my aching legs.
Would I do it again?  Definitely!   Bring it on, I still feel a euphoric sense of being able to conquer anything.

The great shave debate

By trade I am a nurse and during the midnight shift that I work there are many topics that are up for discussion with my fellow coworkers.  I find the importance of disclaiming that 1. Most of my coworkers are female nurses who don't find any subjects about the body offensive or alarming and 2. Midnight conversations are much different than conversations than I'd likely have during the day, even with my female coworkers.
I feel like there is a generational gap here in regards to shaving lady parts.  In my midnight conversations with my friends and coworkers I have discovered that women of a certain age have made a vast error in judgement and it is leading the rest if us into impossible standards.  Let me explain what I am talking about...I bought a groupon for a Brazilian wax.  I surveyed my friends/coworkers hair preferences in the nether regions and I found an overwhelming response from women under the age of 35 that shaving it all off was a complete norm for them.  I couldn't believe it.   Some even stated that this head gone all the way back since 8th grade.  8th grade?  Are you even kidding me?  Needless to say, I was flabbergasted and maybe a little appalled.  Why did this even cross your mind at 13?  At 13, I think I was still using my flicker razor  my mom bought for me shave my legs with.  At 13, I was experimenting with blue eye shadow and wondering if I was too old for the stuffed animals on my bed.  Having hair "down there" was completely normal.
At what point in time did having hair become so gross to girls younger than me?  The reactions from the ladies are varied depending on the age group.  I think they imagine that I have wild untamed jungle down there and I tease them about it to get them going.  I joke about being able to braid it and it usually gets them laughing and even possibly contemplating if it is true.
My thought though about the process is when did this become the norm?  And additionally how did this phenomenon become the standard as to which other women compare to?  I find the whole idea ludicrous.  Hair is normal, it must be there for a reason right?
I find the whole bald eagle trend to be a little weird.  Don't women want to look like women?  I would much rather forget the awkwardness of my prepubescent years.  Do you remember when you first started get to hair "down there", it was a right of passage.  Now women, or shall I say young ladies want to shave it all off and remember their  12 year old selves. I just don't get it.  Maybe I am just an old lady now, lol.

Not so Happy Mothers day

Yesterday was Mother's Day and it is a awful reminder for me that I am not a mother...and it frustrates me.   All around me everyone is celebrating mom and how awesome being a mom is...if I only knew what that felt like.  Right now it feels like a stab in the gut and a twist of a knife...if only.  Everywhere at work lay co workers are preggers and I am trying to feel happy and excited for them because for a few of them this is their first baby...I wish I was one of them.  

Like going back to old life

A few weeks ago I was meeting a friend of mine to go to a concert. As I was driving there, I was filled with a flood of strange emotions that came over me. I felt as if I were going back to my old life a little as I was driving towards the town that used to live in. It was a strange feeling and I am not quite sure if I can place my finger on a word to describe exactly how I felt. I was envious of the simplicity of my old life, yet know how unhappy I was. I miss my old house, but not all of the work involved getting it that way, nor do I miss the company that I shared in that house. I worried about not feeling like I fit in there anymore.  As I drove past much of my past, I was saddened a little.
The struggle of feeling sad about a time of my life that was so tumultuous and being happy at where I am at now is weird for me.   A small part of me wishes I lived there still because it was a cool place to live, but I would never give up my new life now.

Feeling good

A few weeks ago after working a 12 hour shift, I decided to go to the Eastern Market in Detroit after I got off of work to pick up some goodies. First off, let me say, I just love the Eastern Market in Detroit. I feel like I am channeling my inner hipster when I go down there with my reusable cloth bag. I picked up a pumpkin roll, some cider, jam and veggies and headed home. On my way home, I saw a homeless man on the corner of Mack and I-75. I like most people who I know encouter the homeless or people with a sign asking for food, work or a job turn the other cheek and not look at them. I am not sure what quite makes us do that, but I suspect it is because we either feel guilty or we just want to turn a blind eye to it. Either way, it got me thinking. As I was sitting at the light trying to not look at the man with the sign and remembering what my mother had always taught me about not staring because its rude and makes people uncomfortable, I decided to give him all of my change in the cup holder of my car. The man on the corner was so grateful and blessed me for my offering of my car change. He was mindful of only letting me give him the change from my hands and didn't touch mine. As I was giving roughly the amount of $2 in change, I felt good. It made me feel good about what I had done. In hindsight, after all of this has happened I should ahve given him some of the food I bought! On my way home, I was feeling pretty good about myself and the nice thing that I had done and it got me thinking, I have never had to go without in my whole life. I tried to imagine what it must be like to be homeless or hungry and then I started to feel bad. In the same token, I thought about how I have never really had anything handed to me either at least as an adult. I have studied and worked hard for what I have. I have had struggles, but in comparision to the homeless guy, I am sure they seem nominal and I wonder if he had the chance would he trade places with me. So in spite of feeling good, I am ridden with guilt about all of the things I have and he doesn't. Life can be so unfair.

Trying to conceive~

The concept should be so simple right? Well it isn't, or not atleast for my husband and I. Everywhere I turn I see pregnant chicks and I think to myself, how did you do it? Aside from feeling a slight bit of rage, I am truly jealous, envious and wishing it were me. For as long as I can remember, I've wanted a baby and to be a mom. If I had tried to have a baby in my 20's could I have? Now that I am inching closer towards 40, I wonder what God's plans for me are? Will I get that experience? Or does he have something greater planned for me? My husband and I have often discussed what if we can't have kids, then what? The option of adoption and or fostering children has been up for discussion many times and I am totally open to the idea. Maybe that's what God wants me do? I constantly hear from people, quit thinking about it and trying and it will happen. Are you serious? Do you have any idea how badly I want for this happen? Tick tock, tick tock. I am 38, I feel like the window is closing. The old adage "time is on my side", is not for me in this case, I hope the fertility specialist can help us.

Power Outtage

I have decided that each week for one day, I need to be tech free. No TV, no internet, no cell phone internet/games...gasp! Yesterday we had a power outtage that lasted for almost 12 hours. It was nice, so to speak, except that it was 16 degrees outside and windy. Despite the chilly weather, it was a fun day. My husband and I played board games for most of the day. It was nice to just to be able to "talk" to someone without all of the gadgets around. There are days when I love the computer, the internet, the games, the connectivity, but it is nice to not have them either. We have become slaves to them, relying on them for everything! I can't remember the last time I opened an actual cookbook for a recipe. I use my phone for almost everything. It was nice to actually boil a pot of water and not use the microwave. Let's admit it, microwaved food actually doesn't taste that good...perhaps I should just rid of mine. Do remember when your family got its first microwave? I do, it was a huge monster of machinery. My grandparents had one first though, I thought it was so cool! Oy...I am totally dating myself here. I am getting old. Needless to say, having a power outtage was a welcomed day...despite the cold weather. I felt like I had connected with my old life that I had as a child. It was nice to be free of all of the technology. I hope for the sake of being cold, it goes out next time when it is warmer.