Feeling good

A few weeks ago after working a 12 hour shift, I decided to go to the Eastern Market in Detroit after I got off of work to pick up some goodies. First off, let me say, I just love the Eastern Market in Detroit. I feel like I am channeling my inner hipster when I go down there with my reusable cloth bag. I picked up a pumpkin roll, some cider, jam and veggies and headed home. On my way home, I saw a homeless man on the corner of Mack and I-75. I like most people who I know encouter the homeless or people with a sign asking for food, work or a job turn the other cheek and not look at them. I am not sure what quite makes us do that, but I suspect it is because we either feel guilty or we just want to turn a blind eye to it. Either way, it got me thinking. As I was sitting at the light trying to not look at the man with the sign and remembering what my mother had always taught me about not staring because its rude and makes people uncomfortable, I decided to give him all of my change in the cup holder of my car. The man on the corner was so grateful and blessed me for my offering of my car change. He was mindful of only letting me give him the change from my hands and didn't touch mine. As I was giving roughly the amount of $2 in change, I felt good. It made me feel good about what I had done. In hindsight, after all of this has happened I should ahve given him some of the food I bought! On my way home, I was feeling pretty good about myself and the nice thing that I had done and it got me thinking, I have never had to go without in my whole life. I tried to imagine what it must be like to be homeless or hungry and then I started to feel bad. In the same token, I thought about how I have never really had anything handed to me either at least as an adult. I have studied and worked hard for what I have. I have had struggles, but in comparision to the homeless guy, I am sure they seem nominal and I wonder if he had the chance would he trade places with me. So in spite of feeling good, I am ridden with guilt about all of the things I have and he doesn't. Life can be so unfair.

Trying to conceive~

The concept should be so simple right? Well it isn't, or not atleast for my husband and I. Everywhere I turn I see pregnant chicks and I think to myself, how did you do it? Aside from feeling a slight bit of rage, I am truly jealous, envious and wishing it were me. For as long as I can remember, I've wanted a baby and to be a mom. If I had tried to have a baby in my 20's could I have? Now that I am inching closer towards 40, I wonder what God's plans for me are? Will I get that experience? Or does he have something greater planned for me? My husband and I have often discussed what if we can't have kids, then what? The option of adoption and or fostering children has been up for discussion many times and I am totally open to the idea. Maybe that's what God wants me do? I constantly hear from people, quit thinking about it and trying and it will happen. Are you serious? Do you have any idea how badly I want for this happen? Tick tock, tick tock. I am 38, I feel like the window is closing. The old adage "time is on my side", is not for me in this case, I hope the fertility specialist can help us.