Thursday, April 19, 2007

I am so ready for summer

So I've been doing weight watchers for about a month now and i started out really well, as I do with most things that I start and then I fizzle. I was doing great with the journaling and keep track of everything I put in my mouth. The results were fabulous; I lost 8.2 pounds. Now I am getting lax with myself, not tracking myself as diligently as I should and I feel like I am freaking hungry all of the time. A lot of it is my job. I am bored eater, I know I am bored eater and lately there hasn't been crap to do at work, so I keep eating. I am also a huge sugar craver. I want it all of the time. I have tried all of the gimmicky things (and scientific proof things) that say if you don't eat it for 2 weeks you won't crave it anymore. Well that is a huge bunch of BS. Cuz no matter what I do, I will always choose chocolate or any sugary candy type of thing over another. So how do I live in harmony? Is there a way? Honestly I had found my ideal lifestyle when I lived in Germany a number of years ago. I lost 30 pounds in 5 months and I ate candy or some sugary thing everyday!! What the heck is wrong with the foods that we have here? Why can I not lose the weight I need to lose. Why is this so fricking hard!!

I am so ready for summer. I am/will be more active once it warms up. I like going for walks after work and taking in all of the fresh air. I love scouting the neighborhood and looking at how people have decorated their lawns and houses. Now if this crappy ass Michigan weather would cooperate, I might be making some progress. Ugh. I could become one of those Mall Walker people, but then that would only coerce my spending issues. Come on mother me out here I am waiting!

Monday, April 9, 2007

I am ever...

So holiday's are always a treat. I love seeing my family and hanging out with them. I also like hanging out with Chris' family too, as long as his step dad isn't around. So after I visited my grandparents and Chris got off of work we headed up to his Grandma's.

I swear every time I hold baby Bella I want to cry. I think about how their (my BIL and GF) crazy life, should be mine. I don't think Chris will ever know or understand how much I want to have a baby. Every time I hear about another cousin or someone else having a baby, I want to breakdown. The problem is tho', that as much as I want a baby, I don't know if my "life" is ready to accept it. My heart is ready...but am I? I would think that my overwhelming emotion that arises when I see a couple walking a baby down the street would be the ultimate clue...but I am not sure. Chris' grandma unknowingly stuck a knife in me when she told me that "kelly" is pregnant again...ugh I hate hearing that. Of course we (chris and I) were the 1st one's to be married and it was expected that we'd have the 1st baby (which is what I thought too), but sadly that isn't the case. We've been together almost 5 years and with each year I feel like we aren't getting any closer to being ready. I know in my heart I am ready...but I am scared too.

The older I get and the longer Chris says he's not ready, makes me freak a little. It would be nice to live a carefree life with no children and to be able to do all of the things that we'd love to do, but something about it makes me feel empty. Like something is missing...and I am not whole. I NEED to be needed by someone or something. I light up everyday when I come home and my kitties greet me at the door. They adore me and they NEED me and I love it. I know it is weird, but I need them to need me. I need to feel like I have a purpose. I need to feel like I am the "whole" of someone Else's world. Boy do I sure sound needy!

I want to be a great mom someday. I will be a great mom someday.

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

The slowest week ever...

I have no idea if there is something astrologically going on, but this has been the longest week ever! Ugh and its only F'ing Wednesday! I sit here all day at work and look at the clock and think omg I am going to die here...sitting in this chair. I usually amuse myself with my chat buddies or Online games, but there has been so much office traffic that I am getting too clicky clicky and my online game buddies get impatient. I feel like I am getting all stir crazy sittin' here. And when it has been as bad as it has been, I want to eat everything in site. What good are 2 pt snacks, when I wanna eat the whole box?