Saturday, December 19, 2009

Moving on...

The other day a friend of mine told me she was concerned about me because I rebound too quickly. I supposed that I do, but I know when things are going bad and I put up an emotional barrier around me and let nature take its course. I suppose that I really knew that things were going bad with Joe and I months ago so I put up the wall. I didn't want to get hurt any worse than I knew was likely to happen. Boy, I sure am going to miss him. Bygones.
Now that I am a free woman and I am searching again. Why not? What is the glory of being single going to do for me? My friends have encouraged to get out there and just "mess around", but that's not me, never has been and never will be. I was expressing concern about my "numbers" already with some co-workers in one of our infamous candid latenight discussions and the more I think about it, the "number" bothers me. It is higher than I'd like it to be (and according to most of standards of my friends, I have nothing to even be worried about) and the thought of jumping back into the dating pool and trying out another relationship and potentially adding to the numbers scares the crap out of me. I don't want that. I never wanted that. I just want to get married and have babies and be happy. I want all of that stuff that comes along with being married. I want to find my best friend, a lover and a companion, all wrapped into one. Is that too much to ask?
So now I am moving on, looking for someone who wants what I want and enjoys things that I do. Someone who can epxress themselves and let me know what they are thinking and feeling. Someone who is loyal, confident and funny.
I am also literally moving as well and am looking forward to starting out the new year with a clean slate. I am all giddy about picking out dishes and rugs for my new place. I am excited to unpack all of the boxes that have been in storage for a year and half. It feels like it will be a great treasure hunt. I can't wait. Only 8 days away now! Feels like I need to do more shopping for my new place!

Friday, December 11, 2009

Game over...

Well its official, its over.
I am heart broken and sad, but I'll get over it.
Why when a relationship ends, do we beat ourselves up? I have spent the last few sleepless hours trying not to beat myself up, because there really wasn't much I could do to save this one.
People just want different things out of relationship and in the end, Joe doesn't want what I want. I want to get married, have babies, be a fantastic mom, love my kids to pieces, cherish my husband, be excited to see/talk to him everyday, start holiday traditions with my own family and treasure the time I have with them, everyday. I want the goofy stuff, like card nights with my man and his friends, lazy sunday's in bed, a vacation for two, holding hands in public, a tight squeeze in the kitchen, dinner parties with friends, birthday's with family and a kiss before bed.
I had him up an such a pedestal, because he was perfect, at least he was in my eyes. I laughed at his grossness, smiled at his OCD-ness, wondered about his obsession with cars and loved watching him get ready for work in the morning.
He should be flattered that I wanted to be with him and have his kids...someday. Isn't that ultimately the best compliment you can pay anyone?
Ah well, I'll keep looking.
Til then I'll be wallowing in a little of self-pity and listening to sad songs on my ipod.