The other day a friend of mine told me she was concerned about me because I rebound too quickly. I supposed that I do, but I know when things are going bad and I put up an emotional barrier around me and let nature take its course. I suppose that I really knew that things were going bad with Joe and I months ago so I put up the wall. I didn't want to get hurt any worse than I knew was likely to happen. Boy, I sure am going to miss him. Bygones.
Now that I am a free woman and I am searching again. Why not? What is the glory of being single going to do for me? My friends have encouraged to get out there and just "mess around", but that's not me, never has been and never will be. I was expressing concern about my "numbers" already with some co-workers in one of our infamous candid latenight discussions and the more I think about it, the "number" bothers me. It is higher than I'd like it to be (and according to most of standards of my friends, I have nothing to even be worried about) and the thought of jumping back into the dating pool and trying out another relationship and potentially adding to the numbers scares the crap out of me. I don't want that. I never wanted that. I just want to get married and have babies and be happy. I want all of that stuff that comes along with being married. I want to find my best friend, a lover and a companion, all wrapped into one. Is that too much to ask?
So now I am moving on, looking for someone who wants what I want and enjoys things that I do. Someone who can epxress themselves and let me know what they are thinking and feeling. Someone who is loyal, confident and funny.
I am also literally moving as well and am looking forward to starting out the new year with a clean slate. I am all giddy about picking out dishes and rugs for my new place. I am excited to unpack all of the boxes that have been in storage for a year and half. It feels like it will be a great treasure hunt. I can't wait. Only 8 days away now! Feels like I need to do more shopping for my new place!
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
Game over...
Well its official, its over.
I am heart broken and sad, but I'll get over it.
Why when a relationship ends, do we beat ourselves up? I have spent the last few sleepless hours trying not to beat myself up, because there really wasn't much I could do to save this one.
People just want different things out of relationship and in the end, Joe doesn't want what I want. I want to get married, have babies, be a fantastic mom, love my kids to pieces, cherish my husband, be excited to see/talk to him everyday, start holiday traditions with my own family and treasure the time I have with them, everyday. I want the goofy stuff, like card nights with my man and his friends, lazy sunday's in bed, a vacation for two, holding hands in public, a tight squeeze in the kitchen, dinner parties with friends, birthday's with family and a kiss before bed.
I had him up an such a pedestal, because he was perfect, at least he was in my eyes. I laughed at his grossness, smiled at his OCD-ness, wondered about his obsession with cars and loved watching him get ready for work in the morning.
He should be flattered that I wanted to be with him and have his kids...someday. Isn't that ultimately the best compliment you can pay anyone?
Ah well, I'll keep looking.
Til then I'll be wallowing in a little of self-pity and listening to sad songs on my ipod.
I am heart broken and sad, but I'll get over it.
Why when a relationship ends, do we beat ourselves up? I have spent the last few sleepless hours trying not to beat myself up, because there really wasn't much I could do to save this one.
People just want different things out of relationship and in the end, Joe doesn't want what I want. I want to get married, have babies, be a fantastic mom, love my kids to pieces, cherish my husband, be excited to see/talk to him everyday, start holiday traditions with my own family and treasure the time I have with them, everyday. I want the goofy stuff, like card nights with my man and his friends, lazy sunday's in bed, a vacation for two, holding hands in public, a tight squeeze in the kitchen, dinner parties with friends, birthday's with family and a kiss before bed.
I had him up an such a pedestal, because he was perfect, at least he was in my eyes. I laughed at his grossness, smiled at his OCD-ness, wondered about his obsession with cars and loved watching him get ready for work in the morning.
He should be flattered that I wanted to be with him and have his kids...someday. Isn't that ultimately the best compliment you can pay anyone?
Ah well, I'll keep looking.
Til then I'll be wallowing in a little of self-pity and listening to sad songs on my ipod.
Monday, November 30, 2009
At the mall
So I was at the mall today to start some christmas shopping and I am amazed at other people on a constant basis.
I hate that "hand person" who walks up into your face and says, excuse can I ask you a question and kind of cock blocks your next move and wants to squirt this stuff on your hands. Ugh...they sent them to super sales school. I tried to avoid them and they were following me. If the mall were busier, they would have been easier to avoid, but it was early and there weren't very many people around.
Then I was having a nice lunch and i see all of these kids around, I was like wtf, its a Monday why aren't these buggers in school...and then it hit me, home schoolers! What is up with all of these homeschooler's these days anyway? And shouldn't they be at home schooling them instead of at the mall? Unfortunately most of the kids I have encountered that are home schooled are weird and socially awkward. Kids need to be around other kids.
I hate that "hand person" who walks up into your face and says, excuse can I ask you a question and kind of cock blocks your next move and wants to squirt this stuff on your hands. Ugh...they sent them to super sales school. I tried to avoid them and they were following me. If the mall were busier, they would have been easier to avoid, but it was early and there weren't very many people around.
Then I was having a nice lunch and i see all of these kids around, I was like wtf, its a Monday why aren't these buggers in school...and then it hit me, home schoolers! What is up with all of these homeschooler's these days anyway? And shouldn't they be at home schooling them instead of at the mall? Unfortunately most of the kids I have encountered that are home schooled are weird and socially awkward. Kids need to be around other kids.
Friday, November 13, 2009
The Deal Breaker...
So things were going along great in my relationship with Joe...until a few weeks ago. After a year and half, I was thinking that maybe something else would happen with us; a ring, asking me to move in or just some moving forward. Things are comfortable, but there are times when I feel like things need be pushed, so I pushed it.
From the beginning Joe has known that I want to have kids someday and in the early stages, he was fine with that. His response was that he didn't have a pressing desire either way, it would be great to have them, but it wouldn't matter if he didn't either. To me, that was acceptable it wasn't a flat out "no way" and it was something to work with. Well I pushed the envelope a few weeks ago and brought it up again. And then...the indifference came out as a now, I am not sure. He explained that the entire thought of being a dad scares the crap of out of him and he's not sure he could handle it. He said that on a daily basis, he has a hard enough time talking to people and what the heck would he talk to a 3 year old about? Oy Vey...is what I was thinking. Really? That is what freaks you out? That's not even a big deal in my opinion.
Then the conversation went elsewhere, because I was asking him a bunch of questions so I could get a handle on where his head is at. Basically, I asked him, why are doing what you do everyday? Meaning, like what's the purpose of working, saving money, having a house, etc. and he couldn't come up with an answer. Which for me is frustrating...I know why I am doing what I am doing and what goal I am trying to reach and then to be in a relationship with someone who can't answer that, makes me worry.
I don't want to beat a dead horse in the questions department, but I need answers and I need them soon. I don't want this to end...but I refuse to give up on what is important to me.
From the beginning Joe has known that I want to have kids someday and in the early stages, he was fine with that. His response was that he didn't have a pressing desire either way, it would be great to have them, but it wouldn't matter if he didn't either. To me, that was acceptable it wasn't a flat out "no way" and it was something to work with. Well I pushed the envelope a few weeks ago and brought it up again. And then...the indifference came out as a now, I am not sure. He explained that the entire thought of being a dad scares the crap of out of him and he's not sure he could handle it. He said that on a daily basis, he has a hard enough time talking to people and what the heck would he talk to a 3 year old about? Oy Vey...is what I was thinking. Really? That is what freaks you out? That's not even a big deal in my opinion.
Then the conversation went elsewhere, because I was asking him a bunch of questions so I could get a handle on where his head is at. Basically, I asked him, why are doing what you do everyday? Meaning, like what's the purpose of working, saving money, having a house, etc. and he couldn't come up with an answer. Which for me is frustrating...I know why I am doing what I am doing and what goal I am trying to reach and then to be in a relationship with someone who can't answer that, makes me worry.
I don't want to beat a dead horse in the questions department, but I need answers and I need them soon. I don't want this to end...but I refuse to give up on what is important to me.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Struggling to find balance
Work has been a bunch of drama of sorts lately and I am having a hard time trying to find some balance. For the past few days I have been felt literally nauseous when driving into work because I have no idea what will be there waiting for me when I show up.
I personally haven't been having a problem with a co-worker, but I am having a problem with things that, that person has done (or what it looks like she has done). I have had to speak with a supervisor about it and that in turn also makes me very uncomfortable. I don't want to be confronted about the other person and I am worried that it might come down to just such a thing. I am not ready to handle that along with all of the other responsibilities that I have at work and I don't feel like I should have to. No more drama is all I want. I realize that it is highly unlikely that a "no drama" zone at work will EVER be in effect, but one can hope.
It would all be just so much easier, if people did the "right" things and then I wouldn't have to worry about it. I have learned in the past few weeks about how important it is for us nurses to stick together and have each other's backs, but where do I draw the line? My own personal ethics have now played a part and I am not able to support one such person and the decisions that they have decided to make. I don't want to be "outed" in the workplace, but the actions of someone else could directly affect me and I couldn't just let it go without saying something. In the end, it is my integrity and my license at stake and I have to look out for #1 right now. I need to feel less guilty for the decisions someone else had made and feel good about the one's I have made. I did the right thing...but why does it make me feel so bad?
I personally haven't been having a problem with a co-worker, but I am having a problem with things that, that person has done (or what it looks like she has done). I have had to speak with a supervisor about it and that in turn also makes me very uncomfortable. I don't want to be confronted about the other person and I am worried that it might come down to just such a thing. I am not ready to handle that along with all of the other responsibilities that I have at work and I don't feel like I should have to. No more drama is all I want. I realize that it is highly unlikely that a "no drama" zone at work will EVER be in effect, but one can hope.
It would all be just so much easier, if people did the "right" things and then I wouldn't have to worry about it. I have learned in the past few weeks about how important it is for us nurses to stick together and have each other's backs, but where do I draw the line? My own personal ethics have now played a part and I am not able to support one such person and the decisions that they have decided to make. I don't want to be "outed" in the workplace, but the actions of someone else could directly affect me and I couldn't just let it go without saying something. In the end, it is my integrity and my license at stake and I have to look out for #1 right now. I need to feel less guilty for the decisions someone else had made and feel good about the one's I have made. I did the right thing...but why does it make me feel so bad?
Friday, October 9, 2009
Pet Peeve #1
Not using your turn signal!
If cars were meant to have this as an optional feature, it would be. Is it that difficult to use your turn signal when changing lanes? Since when did not using one become acceptable?
I get a little road rage every now and again and this is one of the things that sets me off. I especially love (insert sarcasm here), when you go to pass someone and you have to jerk back into your lane because the person in front of you decides to get over into your lane without signaling. What the heck! This happens to me on a near daily basis.
We as safe responsible drivers need to take a stand and get even, use your flashers, flip the bird and yell at the drivers who think that the turn signal is an optional feature on a car!
If cars were meant to have this as an optional feature, it would be. Is it that difficult to use your turn signal when changing lanes? Since when did not using one become acceptable?
I get a little road rage every now and again and this is one of the things that sets me off. I especially love (insert sarcasm here), when you go to pass someone and you have to jerk back into your lane because the person in front of you decides to get over into your lane without signaling. What the heck! This happens to me on a near daily basis.
We as safe responsible drivers need to take a stand and get even, use your flashers, flip the bird and yell at the drivers who think that the turn signal is an optional feature on a car!
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Pet Peeve #21
OK here is Amy's Pet Peeve #21:
Salting your food before tasting it!
Why why why? I guess maybe because I have never been one to go crazy with salt or pepper, but I just don't get it? When I go to a restaurant and I see someone, especially someone I am eating out with, salts their food before even tasting it. How can you know if it needs salt?
No wonder there are so many people in the world with hypertension...no wonder there is so much food with crazy amount so of sodium.
Is it that hard to actually taste your food before seasoning it to death?
Makes me crazy! LOL!
Salting your food before tasting it!
Why why why? I guess maybe because I have never been one to go crazy with salt or pepper, but I just don't get it? When I go to a restaurant and I see someone, especially someone I am eating out with, salts their food before even tasting it. How can you know if it needs salt?
No wonder there are so many people in the world with hypertension...no wonder there is so much food with crazy amount so of sodium.
Is it that hard to actually taste your food before seasoning it to death?
Makes me crazy! LOL!
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