Saturday, December 19, 2009

Moving on...

The other day a friend of mine told me she was concerned about me because I rebound too quickly. I supposed that I do, but I know when things are going bad and I put up an emotional barrier around me and let nature take its course. I suppose that I really knew that things were going bad with Joe and I months ago so I put up the wall. I didn't want to get hurt any worse than I knew was likely to happen. Boy, I sure am going to miss him. Bygones.
Now that I am a free woman and I am searching again. Why not? What is the glory of being single going to do for me? My friends have encouraged to get out there and just "mess around", but that's not me, never has been and never will be. I was expressing concern about my "numbers" already with some co-workers in one of our infamous candid latenight discussions and the more I think about it, the "number" bothers me. It is higher than I'd like it to be (and according to most of standards of my friends, I have nothing to even be worried about) and the thought of jumping back into the dating pool and trying out another relationship and potentially adding to the numbers scares the crap out of me. I don't want that. I never wanted that. I just want to get married and have babies and be happy. I want all of that stuff that comes along with being married. I want to find my best friend, a lover and a companion, all wrapped into one. Is that too much to ask?
So now I am moving on, looking for someone who wants what I want and enjoys things that I do. Someone who can epxress themselves and let me know what they are thinking and feeling. Someone who is loyal, confident and funny.
I am also literally moving as well and am looking forward to starting out the new year with a clean slate. I am all giddy about picking out dishes and rugs for my new place. I am excited to unpack all of the boxes that have been in storage for a year and half. It feels like it will be a great treasure hunt. I can't wait. Only 8 days away now! Feels like I need to do more shopping for my new place!

Friday, December 11, 2009

Game over...

Well its official, its over.
I am heart broken and sad, but I'll get over it.
Why when a relationship ends, do we beat ourselves up? I have spent the last few sleepless hours trying not to beat myself up, because there really wasn't much I could do to save this one.
People just want different things out of relationship and in the end, Joe doesn't want what I want. I want to get married, have babies, be a fantastic mom, love my kids to pieces, cherish my husband, be excited to see/talk to him everyday, start holiday traditions with my own family and treasure the time I have with them, everyday. I want the goofy stuff, like card nights with my man and his friends, lazy sunday's in bed, a vacation for two, holding hands in public, a tight squeeze in the kitchen, dinner parties with friends, birthday's with family and a kiss before bed.
I had him up an such a pedestal, because he was perfect, at least he was in my eyes. I laughed at his grossness, smiled at his OCD-ness, wondered about his obsession with cars and loved watching him get ready for work in the morning.
He should be flattered that I wanted to be with him and have his kids...someday. Isn't that ultimately the best compliment you can pay anyone?
Ah well, I'll keep looking.
Til then I'll be wallowing in a little of self-pity and listening to sad songs on my ipod.

Monday, November 30, 2009

At the mall

So I was at the mall today to start some christmas shopping and I am amazed at other people on a constant basis.
I hate that "hand person" who walks up into your face and says, excuse can I ask you a question and kind of cock blocks your next move and wants to squirt this stuff on your hands. Ugh...they sent them to super sales school. I tried to avoid them and they were following me. If the mall were busier, they would have been easier to avoid, but it was early and there weren't very many people around.
Then I was having a nice lunch and i see all of these kids around, I was like wtf, its a Monday why aren't these buggers in school...and then it hit me, home schoolers! What is up with all of these homeschooler's these days anyway? And shouldn't they be at home schooling them instead of at the mall? Unfortunately most of the kids I have encountered that are home schooled are weird and socially awkward. Kids need to be around other kids.

Friday, November 13, 2009

The Deal Breaker...

So things were going along great in my relationship with Joe...until a few weeks ago. After a year and half, I was thinking that maybe something else would happen with us; a ring, asking me to move in or just some moving forward. Things are comfortable, but there are times when I feel like things need be pushed, so I pushed it.
From the beginning Joe has known that I want to have kids someday and in the early stages, he was fine with that. His response was that he didn't have a pressing desire either way, it would be great to have them, but it wouldn't matter if he didn't either. To me, that was acceptable it wasn't a flat out "no way" and it was something to work with. Well I pushed the envelope a few weeks ago and brought it up again. And then...the indifference came out as a now, I am not sure. He explained that the entire thought of being a dad scares the crap of out of him and he's not sure he could handle it. He said that on a daily basis, he has a hard enough time talking to people and what the heck would he talk to a 3 year old about? Oy what I was thinking. Really? That is what freaks you out? That's not even a big deal in my opinion.
Then the conversation went elsewhere, because I was asking him a bunch of questions so I could get a handle on where his head is at. Basically, I asked him, why are doing what you do everyday? Meaning, like what's the purpose of working, saving money, having a house, etc. and he couldn't come up with an answer. Which for me is frustrating...I know why I am doing what I am doing and what goal I am trying to reach and then to be in a relationship with someone who can't answer that, makes me worry.
I don't want to beat a dead horse in the questions department, but I need answers and I need them soon. I don't want this to end...but I refuse to give up on what is important to me.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Struggling to find balance

Work has been a bunch of drama of sorts lately and I am having a hard time trying to find some balance. For the past few days I have been felt literally nauseous when driving into work because I have no idea what will be there waiting for me when I show up.
I personally haven't been having a problem with a co-worker, but I am having a problem with things that, that person has done (or what it looks like she has done). I have had to speak with a supervisor about it and that in turn also makes me very uncomfortable. I don't want to be confronted about the other person and I am worried that it might come down to just such a thing. I am not ready to handle that along with all of the other responsibilities that I have at work and I don't feel like I should have to. No more drama is all I want. I realize that it is highly unlikely that a "no drama" zone at work will EVER be in effect, but one can hope.
It would all be just so much easier, if people did the "right" things and then I wouldn't have to worry about it. I have learned in the past few weeks about how important it is for us nurses to stick together and have each other's backs, but where do I draw the line? My own personal ethics have now played a part and I am not able to support one such person and the decisions that they have decided to make. I don't want to be "outed" in the workplace, but the actions of someone else could directly affect me and I couldn't just let it go without saying something. In the end, it is my integrity and my license at stake and I have to look out for #1 right now. I need to feel less guilty for the decisions someone else had made and feel good about the one's I have made. I did the right thing...but why does it make me feel so bad?

Friday, October 9, 2009

Pet Peeve #1

Not using your turn signal!

If cars were meant to have this as an optional feature, it would be. Is it that difficult to use your turn signal when changing lanes? Since when did not using one become acceptable?
I get a little road rage every now and again and this is one of the things that sets me off. I especially love (insert sarcasm here), when you go to pass someone and you have to jerk back into your lane because the person in front of you decides to get over into your lane without signaling. What the heck! This happens to me on a near daily basis.

We as safe responsible drivers need to take a stand and get even, use your flashers, flip the bird and yell at the drivers who think that the turn signal is an optional feature on a car!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Pet Peeve #21

OK here is Amy's Pet Peeve #21:
Salting your food before tasting it!

Why why why? I guess maybe because I have never been one to go crazy with salt or pepper, but I just don't get it? When I go to a restaurant and I see someone, especially someone I am eating out with, salts their food before even tasting it. How can you know if it needs salt?
No wonder there are so many people in the world with wonder there is so much food with crazy amount so of sodium.
Is it that hard to actually taste your food before seasoning it to death?
Makes me crazy! LOL!

Wednesday, September 30, 2009


There are just days when my job is just SO hard. I feel overwhelmed by the amounts of things that need to be done in an 8 hour period. How is it that I can successfully pass meds on 60 patients on the long term care side and leave work on time, feeling good about myself and my skills, but never feel like I am gonna make it on my own floor where I only have 25?
I quite literally ran my ass off last night. I wore my pedometer and I had walked 7200-ish steps, which translated to roughly 2.5 miles. My hall/floor is not that big, its one long hall that has 16 rooms. And within just those rooms and my hall I managed to walk THAT much. At about 6, I start to get into panic mode because I feel like I am never where I think I should be in order to get out on time. Mind you, I NEVER get out on time. I see lots of OT in my future. I know it will get it easier and it will take some time to get used to, but right now and after days like last night, it feels like I never will. I can't wait for 2 days off!

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

I want to be happily confused

After working in the nursing home for a little over a month now, I have seen all kinds of people. When it is my time and I am old and have dementia...I want to be one of those people who is happily confused. They are the easiest ones to take care of and who seem to be doing well. They just often need a little direction and are on their way. That's how I want to be.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

They say the darnest things...

Being nurse in a nursing home has lead me to hear all kinds of funny stuff from the residents. I have been jotting them down since I started working. Here are a few:

After trying unsuccessfully to get a patient to take their meds, I heard them say "coax me and maybe I'll think about it".

Another patient has said multiple times "when I get outta here, I'm gonna put on my robe, grab that microphone and tell my story, cuz Jesus saved me."

Another patient had a doll on the bedside table for a few days and I inquired about it, the reply was "that's ugly, isn't she UGLY, that's why I named her that, cuz she's so ugly, I'm gonna put her in the ugly farm.".

Sunday, September 20, 2009

I want the courtesey wave DAMN it!!!

This has long been one of my biggest pet peeves and nearly throws me into road rage, but if I kind and courtious enough to let you out I expect a courtesy wave! If I don't get one, I regret letting you out in the 1st place and am tempted to RAM your car. I don't have to let you out of the shopping center, the bank or starbuck's, but I do because I am not usually in a hurry to get anywhere and...its a nice thing to do. If you can't wave because, you have one arm...then give me a head nod. It is the least you can do!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

I dream...

Of babies, unfamiliar oceans, distant places, quiet and a ring...

The curse of the family...

Today was a good day at work...until families came in. I have dubbed what I call the "curse of the family", a major problem for me today. My patients were all just fine, until family came in. No issues, no complaints, a smooth day. Til', I had bitching husbands, crazy kids and over the top complaints.
Why do families bring this out in people? I mean they were fine, until they showed up and now there is nausea, chest pain, anxiety and various other illnesses that come along with their visits.
I was having a great day...a busy day, but a great day until the families came to visit. Even when I was in the rooms, the patients were fine, it was the families flagging me down, listing off complaint after complaint from the patients. When I'd ask the patient, there wasn't anything wrong...or the problem was much smaller scale. It was so ridiculous!
I think that family visits are great and they should have their concerns heard...but in the cases today, they were just making things why worse. Argh...I can't wait to start on midnights...and then I won't have to see too many family members.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

My family is so hillbilly...

So yesterday my cousin got married (another blog to come on THAT soon) and as usual it was a family affair.
My Aunt Nancy comes in just bitchin'. She's complaining about the drive, the place and most of all her shoe. Her shoe was about 30 years old and broke when she got out the car. Not the heel, but the sole at the toe separated from the shoe. It was bad enough that it happened, but she had to point it out to everyone and then was proud of how she managed to scotch tape it together. She's so hillbilly. I am surprised that my uncle didn't have duct tape in the truck and she could have made her shoe all purdy.

Monday, September 7, 2009

A day of my life as a nurse

So my workday on Saturday was interesting to say the least. It was a crazy day and was the first time since I have been there that I didn't "love" it. It was too much work for one person to handle and I felt like I was drowning.
The worst part of my day was one patient in particular and she drove me crazy. I got to play mediator between her and her roommate for the biggest part of the day. One was accusing the other of assaulting her in the middle of the night and turning off her TV. As the story goes, she said that her roommate came over in the middle of the night and turned off her TV and then swiped her on the foot. She proceeded to go on to tell me that no one did anything about it and she was afraid to go to sleep because she was afraid that she would be assaulted again. As I heard the story...not only once, but 3 times that day it got a little more elaborate. Each time the story was told and retold, the roommate behind the curtain vehemently denied the incident. She did admit to turning off the TV, but did not touch her roommate. All I heard all day was, "I didn't do it", "I didn't do it", eventually I had to intervene and tell her that I had heard enough. Quite honestly, I believed her. I believe that after she turned off the TV, she might have lost balance (because she is unsteady) and touched her foot, but by no means assaulted her.
All day long, I heard the story repeated by the "victim". I told her that I wasn't working at the time and couldn't bear witness to the situation. I explained that all stories have 2 sides and this was a she said, she said thing. I wasn't going to judge either side, but would do my best to get the roommate moved.
Seriously, later on that day, I heard her on the phone to someone saying that no one cares that she's been assaulted and everyone must believe her roommate because she keeps getting all of the attention. Mind you, the roommate put on the call light 3-4 times that day for various reasons and was attended to. I was SO mad at the lady on the phone. I wanted to grab the phone and explain what was going on to whomever she was talking to...but didn't because I am a professional. She was such a pain all day to deal with. Eventually, I got the roommate moved and she was quiet. Sadly, I felt for the roommate because I feel like she got deal a bad hand in the roommate department, but I was also relieved to not hear them bickering any longer. was a tough day.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Its 3 am...what do I want to eat?

Since starting midnights at my new job, I am having trouble figuring out this very question. I've eaten "dinner" before I went in at 11, I've eaten "lunch" sort of, if I get up early enough to have something before dinner. Breakfast...? Maybe, but what do you pack in a lunch box that is easy to nuke or have cold?
I have been sleeping all kinds of cooky hours trying to adjust to the hours of 11 to 7:30 am. I like the hours, but my days are getting screwed up. I go in on one day and end on another. I am constantly checking my watch and wondering what date it is, that I should be signing things with.
But still the question remains, what do I really want to eat at 3 am? On any other occassion I'd be longing for Taco Bell or Wendy's or some other place that is open late...but those nights are usually followed by a night of partying at the bar and not working. I've tried cereal, Easy Mac, muffins, sandwiches, left over pizza and pierogi's, but nothing seems to be what I WANT at that time. I hope I find something soon.

Sunday, August 30, 2009


So last week I was at the bar with some friends and I won at KENO!!!
A big win of sorts, a whooping $410 on the 1st draw that I played. It was so exciting. As I watched the numbers draw, I held my breath and sort of freaked after it was over. I couldn't believe it. I won. YAY...too bad I spent it already. Here is me and a pic of my winning ticket.

I had to go back to the bar the next day to collect my winnings because they don't keep that much on hand there to payout. It was worth the drive back up there the next day.

A last breath

Last night at work was the 1st, at what I am sure will be many, last breaths I will see someone take. On shift report, we expected the patient not to make it and at 1:35 am this morning, it was just that. Its kind of weird calling TOD (time of death) and it makes you feel a little authoritative in way (a weird way, but still).

I guess I expected to "feel" more about the whole situation, but I didn't. I am not sure if it was because we expected it to happen or it was just so peaceful that it didn't bother me. It was a peaceful death and I got to watch the "dying" process take place. I watched him breath short quick breaths and then none at all for 30-40 seconds.

The saddest part about the whole thing is that he was alone. I mean we were there, checking in on him and making sure he was comfortable, but no one that was important to him was there.

The creepiest part of the whole thing is that he died with his eyes open...and when I tried to shut them, they kept coming open again. He looked peaceful lying there. I am not sure what I felt him to feel like, but he was cold and clammy feeling, but there was warmth still in the crooks of his arms and legs.

I am sure if I see another one, it will be different circumstances, but this one wasn't too bad. Maybe this will help me get over my fear of seeing MY loved ones up at the casket. As I am coming to realize that death in most cases, is peaceful.

Friday, August 28, 2009

What Happened to them?

I was recently enlightened by the 2 weddings that I am going to in the next few days and I thought to myself what happened to MY bridesmaids and groomsmen? I mean chosing your wedding party is a BIG deal and at the time, it was an easy choice, but now, if I were to do it all over again, would I choose the same people?
Fortunately and probably unfortunately, I am an only child and wasn't obliged to have any of my family in the wedding. Not that I would mind this at all, but I am not that close with any of my cousins and I thought chosing my friends was best at the time. Out of the 3 bridesmaids that I had at my wedding, I only talk to one of them still. She is my BFF (even though we are weirdly not close like most BFF's are), a good friend that I made at summer camp so many years ago...when we were 12. The other 2 were great friends at the time, but have since changed their life's paths and we rarely talk at all due to not having things in common anymore. I talk with only one of the groomsmen and he's a good friend still, the funny part is he was a stand-in for someone else who backed out in the end.
I surveyed my married friends out of curiosity to see if they still are close with the people in their wedding party and 80% of them said that they weren't. I thought how weird! Why is this SUCH a big decision at the time and have no bearing years to come? Do we change that much after being married?

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

RIP Fat Cat...

Poor Fat Cat, aka, Not Nice (her actual name), Sherman, Chubby and Ol' Girl went to be with the lord on Monday night. She lived a long life for a cat...almost too long by most standards. In the end, she was blind, lost most of her weight and couldn't barely meow...her demanding mew anymore. Considering, that we got her when I was in tenth grade, that puts her at a ripe old age of 18!
In her younger years she was an outdoor cat, so the fact that she made it past 10 was pretty amazing. She was a good cat, but was VERY demanding. She loved everyone who didn't like cats and always tried to get their attention.

Come to think of it, she is the 1st pet that I've had to died at home. Most of our animals have been "put down", but Fat Cat was the 1st to die peacefully at home. My dad dug her a spot out in the back yard.
I'll miss her horrible dandruff, her demanding meow, her constant grazing at the food dish and her company. RIP fat cat, RIP. You are in a better place now ol' girl.

Friday, August 21, 2009


As I have begun my new job at the nursing home, ponder what happens to names.
As I walk from hall to hall and i see all of the names on the doors and they are all names that I don't hear them anymore. They are what I call "old people names", I'd list a few of them, but I fear that I'd be breaking privacy rules. Aside from that it makes me wonder, how does this cycle go?
When I am in my 80's will names like Amy, Jennifer, Heather, Kristi/Christy, Kelly, Melanie, Adam, Michael, Joseph, Steven, Brad, Karen and the names of many of my classmates, be obsolete? How does that happen? Do parents get tired of naming their kids after themselves or grandparents and the names just go away?
I mean, really when I have child someday, I am not likely to look at him/her and say aww, what a cute baby, he/she looks like a Laverne or Gary (my parents names respectively or Arthur or Lucille (my grandparents)). I suppose that is how names fall by the wayside.
I do smile each day as I walk the halls and look at the names of all of the residents. I am making a list in my head of all of the names that I don't hear anymore today. Maybe someday, they'll make a comeback.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Lessons in empathy

I'll be the 1st to admit that empathy is a hard thing to learn. It has taken me years to develop into who I am and I still have problems sometimes wanting to judge other people at 1st sight. It is really difficult to want to draw conclusions when I haven't even met someone just by what they look like. I am sure we are all at fault for this to some degree, but it doesn't make it right. What is it that makes us so judgemental or put off right away?

I was at work tonight and I had the perfect opportunity to right, a wrong for someone else. Not that it was my place, but because I just couldn't let it go for what it was. There was a table that came in tonight and admittedly, it 1st glance it was a bit shocking. The woman/girl had something physically wrong with her head. She had long hair pulled back into a ponytail, but on one side of her head, she was completelt bald. It was clearly obvious, that it was something that she had not done to herself, but likely something medically wrong with her.

Her waiter, a guy that I work with, is just a kid (he's 20) and not the most PC. He came back and kept on saying how disgusting this poor woman was. Now disgusting isn't the word that I would have chosen. And the more I thought about it, I didn't think that it was the word he should have used either. So I took the opportunity to tell him what I thought.

I decided to give him a lesson in empathy. I said Roman (the guys name), I am going to give you a lesson in empathy. He was like "empathy...I am guy I don't have that". I said, well guy or not, you could use a lesson. I explained to him how it bothered me that he used the word disgusting to describe the woman at his table. Also, that it was obvious that she didn't choose to look that way. For me, it might have been more appropriate to say...unfortunate, but NEVER disgusting. I went on further to encourage him to think about what he says and hope that it isn't him who has some disfigurement or problem that is visually obvious. Plus the fact that he was riled about the way she looked and pointed it out to everyone made it even worse.

I explained that the girl probably gets stares all of the time just by going out in public and his pointing it out to EVERYONE we work with didn't make it any easier for her. It is sad that we point out the obvious and make it more of spectical than it needs to be. Hopefully I changed his mind just a little and he'll think about it next time some else comes in.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

A night at Jason Mraz!

Last night was fun...but could have been better! I am not sure if it was the lame crowd around us, or what. I went with an old high school friend last night and saw Jason Mraz, who had G Love open for him. I absolutely love Jason Mraz, but it wasn't the best show ever, but it was still good.
I was so proud of myself in a funny, off kilter kind of way, for being able to smuggle in a pint of booze in my bra. I had just recently learned about this new phenomenon from my boyfriends sister when we went to Def Leppard and I decided to try it. It works like a charm ladies...i swear!
He did sing my new favorite song, called Butterfly in the encore. If you haven't listened to it, try it out. Its super sexy.

Friday, August 14, 2009

New job

Well my new job is going great...although I've only had orientation. I watched a lot of video on corporate compliance, med passing, falls and other HR stuff. It was a good 2 days! Each day though was supposed to be from 8 to 4, but I got out early both days which was nice.
The facility seems really nice and everyone is always "calm" when I have seen them. I am not sure if it is because they really all have their sh*t together or its just a really laid back place. It is so much different than what I have seen in the hospital from clinicals. At clinicals, there was always chaos...always something happening. THis place doesn't seem like that to me at all. I am wondering if it is because I have just been lucky...or its like that all of the time. I'll find out next week though for sure. I officially start on the floor on Tuesday at 7 am...ugh. I am VERY excited about it though, even though it is so early. It will be weird to be in a early morning pattern again, since I have been out of it for so long.
Buying scrubs was WAY fun. I realize that this makes me sound like an uber nerd, but it was regardless. We can wear gray scrubs, or white pants with printed tops. I bought a few of each so I can "mix" it up, lol. I'll post some pics soon with my new scrubs and my new build a bear that Joe got for me to celebrate my 1st week! He's such a keeper!

Thursday, August 6, 2009


Endlich!, that's German for finally!
I had a great interview today and was offered a position. I can't believe that I am finally going to be a registered nurse!
I was excited about the interview as soon as I pulled up to the facility. It was so nice and the lobby was pretty quiet, which too me was a good sign. There was no impending chaos, like yesterday.

Yesterday I had what was supposed to be an interview in da hood. I mean downtown, dirty Detroit, it was how should I say...a very colorful area. There was no parking that I could see at the facility, so I had to park on the street. As soon as I got out, I was asked for money. I locked, and rechecked to make sure my car was locked before I went in. I dunno what I would have done if I were stranded down there.
I ask for the lady I was supposed to meet and they were all a bit confused. Eventually, someone came out and gave me a stack of papers to start filling out (i kid you not, there was at least 40 pieces of paper in the application packet they gave me). Most of the stuff didn't apply, until you got hired so I skipped those. She came back out and was like...why do you want to work here? You are an RN, can't you get a job in the hospital? In my mind, I am thinking geez lady are you serious, do you think if I could get a job in a hospital I'd even be here. But I replied with a simple, "I am new grad". Well after filling out the papers, she said she'd call me for an interview, but I thought that was what I was there for? Bygone's...I was outta there, the whole place kind of gave me the creeps. She never did call...As I left, I was relieved to see that my car was still where I parked it and still had all of its tires. I was again asked for money from some random dude on the street in which I replied..."Sorry, dude, I am am here for a job interview". And I drove around the area, since I was in broad daylight and took it all in. I don't think I'll be going to that side of town again anytime soon.

Today's interview was fab. The place was great, the nurse that interviewed me was super nice and informative. She too was an OCC grad, so bonus points for me. She asked me all of the typical stuff, they like to ask and I was in the interview "zone" and was doing great. She gave me a tour of the facility. It was clean, busy and no one was just hanging out in the hallways. She said she'd recommend me for the position and that she needed to speak with HR. HR came out and also said that they would like to hire me as well, but they'd have to do a reference check 1st and that they'd call me. So 2 hours later, they called with the great news and offered me a position! I start next week with orientation, I can't wait!

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Hanging in the balance

Why does it always feel like my life is hanging in the balance?
It feels like it is ALWAYS something. Something I am waiting for. Something holding me back from my next step.
Well right now, it is finding a RN job. It was supposed to be easy...or easier right after I was licensed. But sadly, that is not the case. Just for shits and giggles today I have looked at all of the area hospitals and counted the number of positions I have applied for. At one hospital was 35 different jobs. No call backs ever...just a friendly email (only sometimes too) that says, pursuing other candidiates. Why won't ANYone hire me?
My resume is on monster, careerbuilder and hotjobs. I look at craigslist and area hospitals daily. I even went to a few places in person and filled out their 5 page applications (which can be summed up nicely by my resume, but I get a handcramp filling them out). No calls, no one wants me...i am getting depressed.
If I could just get a few interviews face to face, I know I'd get in. Sadly, you seem to have to "know" someone to get even that, and I don't. So I wait...and get more frustrated by the day. I hope something comes along soon.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Shoulda, coulda, woulda

Why the heck I am such a lazy bum on my day(s) off?
I need to get some motivation.
If all of the scrappy stuff wasn't packed away and I actually HAD some space/place to scrap, I would.
If I had a house to clean, I'd probably do that.
I could go shopping, but that would lead to trouble, because I really don't NEED anything.
I should go to the bank, but that would require me to write out a deposit slip and get out of the house.
I would like to find a good recipe for dinner tonight.
I need to finish my laundry.
I should to get moving.

Sunday, July 19, 2009


So I have been a facebook addict as of late and I have noticed how much my friends and others misspell the word "Congratulations". Is it really that hard? I know that hooked on phonics works for me...but it often mispronounced too, which makes people spell it wrong (or this is atleast what I am hoping...or my friends just can't spell).
I see Congradualtions...all of the time. Now its cute if its pun for a graduate, but other than that its not. Why is this word the worse offender? Maybe people should stick to congrats.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Restaurant Peeves

So I am a waitress, I love my job. But with all lines of work, there are things that I just irk me or drive me crazy.
The other day, I waited on some very nice folks and all was good, until I had to bus the table. They left me kleenex! So gross! I mean I got a tip as well, but they left used kleenex on the table. Not on the plate, or wrapped up in the napkin, but on the table so I has to touch it to clean the table. Grody! Here's a a tip, please don't leave me kleenex (or anyone else) and if you HAVE to please make sure that you leave it somewhere where we don't actually have to touch it with our bare hands to get rid of it.

Keeping my fingers crossed

Well after countless applications and submitting my resume, I had a job interview yesterday. It felt really good and I felt like I did a great job, but you never know. I have thought that before, only to get rejected. So I am keeping my fingers crossed and holding my breath that I get the position.
I am going to be a GREAT nurse, once I can get in somewhere.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Bucket List...

So I was reading an old friend of mine from high school's blog and it gave me an write a "bucket list". I have an old list from when I was in high school floating around somewhere...most likely packed away in some random box. I remember writing it in a notebook. I know that I have crossed off some of the items on the list, so if I have already done them, they'll have an "X" beside them. Someday...when I find th original list, I'll make changes.
Why to make these lists anyway?
For me, I like lists, it gives me an sense of accomplishment to cross things off. It gives me goals to shoot for. Dreams to follow. So as of today here is my bucket list:

1. Be a mother
2. Travel to Asia
3. Learn to knit
4. Learn to sew
5. Eat Oysters
6. Master a forgien language "x" (even though I have forgotten so much of it now)
7. Buy a brand new car "x" I did this is 2001 when i bought my Ford Escape
8. Get married "x"
9. Plant a garden
10. Volunteer with the Elderly
11. Get a tattoo "X"
12. Write a book
13. Skydive
14. Flash someone
15. Buy an expensive pair of Jeans
16. Find spirituality
17. Save someone's life
18. Learn to golf
19. See a professional tennis match live
20. Get my photo taken with a celebrity
21. Kiss under a waterfall
22. Learn to surf
23. Swim with Dolphins
24. Learn to make sushi
25. Take a photography course
26. Learn how to shimmy
27. Travel to Austrailia
28. Learn how to play chess
29. Climb all of the stairs of the Eiffel Tower
30. Compete in a triathalon
31. Ride on a Harley
32. Get a foreign pen pal
33. Travel to Africa
34. See a space shuttle launch
35. Not eat meat for a month
36. Donate money to a scholarship fund
37. Learn to play bridge
38. Host a foreign exchange student
39. Travel to all 50 states

I just posted a new blog page

I love the cherries

Just Say it

Why can't I just say it...exactly what I am thinking.
I want to just say:

I want to marry you,
Start a family
And live happily ever after.

You are the highlight of my day...
I think you are wonderful,
you make my heart smile.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Baby Envy...

OK I am guilty...I have baby envy, bad.

I think it has really struck a chord now that I am done with school and have time to breathe.

A few weekends ago, we (Joe and I) were at an informal high school reunion with some of Joe's buddies and I couldn't help having baby envy.
It started out as just a mild case at first when I was reaching into our cooler to grab a soda and I felt someone tugging on my shorts. So I picked him up and made friends with a the little boy. I had no idea who he or his mom were, but we hit it off great and he became my little buddy for a while. He was cute as a button and was much funner than they adults that were there. Later on, I couldn't resist asking some other complete stranger there to hold her baby too. I don't know what has come over me. I haven't ever really been a "baby" person in my entire life...but I am turning into one. Its way weird...I think that my "clock" is just ticking!

One of my BFF's from nursing school just found out she's prego, I have 2 cousin's that just had babies...I am surrounded by them and I REALLY want one of my own.

Now...what? Maybe I should try to get a job in the NICU...or will that make it worse?

The shoe...

I often see the "shoe" on the side of the road when I am driving and I wonder how in the heck did it get there?
Why is it always just one shoe? Who lost only one shoe? How did it get there?
These questions about the road shoe's have plagued me for years. Anyone else wonder about the shoe's lying randomly on the side of the road?
I fantasize about why they are really they are clues for the CSI people to find or some one was trying to smash that annoying bug and oops, they threw their shoe out of the window. it is weird, but it makes me wonder everytime I see one.
Today I saw a Nike Shox...who would drop/lose/throw a $90 pair of shoes out the window?

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

A bribe of sorts...

So while I was on vacation in Florida, we had the wonderful opportunity of being right next door to an outlet mall. Knowing full well of all of this before I left I did some research and found out that they had a Coach store in the outlet. I had some money set aside to buy myself a bribe.
I get to have, use and enjoy this purse...when I lose 20 lbs! Oh yeah and the wallet too since it was such a steal at the outlet. I got the purse and the wallet for $85! Now I just have to lose 20 lbs! UGH! But I am down 3 so 17 more to go!

Thursday, May 21, 2009

A little progress...

Goals for 2009 Update
I have made some headway on my goals for 2009!

1. Lose 20+ pounds (started back on weight watchers and am down 6 lbs)
2. Graduate from Nursing School (DONE DONE DONE!!!)
3. Move out of my parents
4. Make a dent in my debt
5. Read 50 books (9 down 41 to go) I read Eclipse, Breaking Dawn, Sense and Sensibility, and The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Society (LOVED it)
6. Take a trip out of the state (Yay, cross this one out, I just got back from a 4 day trip to Florida with the girls)
7. Get a job in the nursing field (Still looking, but have an interview on 6/9!)
8. Ride my bike 500 miles (25 miles down, 475 to go!)
9. Walk 1000 miles (daily walking doesn't count, i mean on a treadmill, bike path, etc., making myself go for a walk I mean). (985 miles to go!)
10. Make 365 handmade cards (Still slacking...only have made 2 rofl.
11. Scrap 52 pages (none yet, but I have plans)
12. See 10 concerts (1 down, 9 to go). I am going to see Def Leppard in July and I am REALLY am contemplating buying Jason Mraz tix, i should just do it!
13. Publish 100 blogs for the year ( haven't kept track....but I think I am at 22 or so)
14. Learn 30 new recipes (I made some yummy maple bbq salmon last night!) 29 to go.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Almost a year later....

How different my life is from a year ago!
I think back on what it was like a year ago and I am SO much happier now than I was a year ago. I am happy to report that I rarely think of my ex and when I do its not with anything but question about something at the house or some bill I got in the mail.
I do miss my old house though...terribly. With spring coming up I want to see the flowers that I planted and to play in the dirt. I want to sit outside on the patio that I never had a chance to really sit on the patio furniture MY parents bought us as a wedding present. I miss the quiet of the house and the solitude of curling up on the couch with a good book. As I think back on it, I did live with Chris, but I was so alone...a lot of the time. I actually enjoyed it and I miss that now. I miss having a space that is mine the most though, which is why I miss the house. I love my parents to pieces, but they constantly have the TV or the vacuum running. Joe too is the same way...always has the TV on when he gets home from work. I miss quiet...
I do get plenty of opportunity for quiet before Joe gets home, so its nice. I like having the chance to clear my head and listen to the sounds of the house settling. I'll admit though...that having the quiet leads me to a nap some of the time.
School is winding its way down to the end as well. I can't believe I've made it! Despite all of the crap that I've been through I've done it and done it well! I owe a debt of gratitude to my study group for keeping me on my toes in theory. We are all taking a trip to Florida the week after pinning!
I have grown so much as nurse in the past year, that I often surprise myself with all that I know. There is a TON of things I don't know too. I am so proud of myself having successfully managed a case load of 5 patients on the floor that I am currently on and to have done it with ease really. Yes it was busy and at time hectic...but I did it! I took the load of patients that the nurses on the floor take...whew! I manage to suprise myself with all that I can handle on a daily basis. Only 2 more weeks left!!!
My love life is fantastic! Next week will be a year from a our 1st date! Things are going great. I do wonder though...if he'll ask one of the big question's soon? Only time will tell, I am not anxious to push either issue, but I do wonder about it.
In the next few months, my life will change tremendously and I embrace what lies ahead...I can't wait!

Monday, March 23, 2009

My new Milkshake

I have a new friend.
His name is Andy...but I call him Milkshake. Cuz he was singing "my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard".
He's a first year nursing student and is in my clinicals, we have fun times at school.
I ran into him this weekend at an Adele concert, we had fun. His partner bought me a drink, we danced and laughed a ton. Why are gay guys so much fun? Every girl needs a few friends like Milkshake!

Goals for 2009 Update

A look back on my goals for 2009...I have made a "little progress" on them, but its progress none the less.

1. Lose 20+ pounds (ugh making no progress here!)
2. Graduate from Nursing School (May is just around the corner)3. Move out of my parents
4. Make a dent in my debt
5. Read 50 books (5 down 45 to go) I highly recommend Edgar Sawtelle or The Alchemist
6. Take a trip out of the state
7. Get a job in the nursing field (Still looking, but have an interview on 3/26!)
8. Ride my bike 500 miles (Not warm enough yet)
9. Walk 1000 miles (daily walking doesn't count, i mean on a treadmill, bike path, etc., making myself go for a walk I mean). (990 miles to go!)
10. Make 365 handmade cards (LOL, slacker! I have made 2, 363 to go!)
11. Scrap 52 pages
12. See 10 concerts (1 down, 9 to go). (I saw Adele on 3/20, it was awesome, only 8 more to go!)
13. Publish 100 blogs for the year ( haven't kept track....but I think I am at 20 or so)
14. Learn 30 new recipes (If anyone has any good ones, send them my way!)

Its just a start and some of these goals are way easier than the others. I'll try to keep these updated when changes happen.

So progress odf any kind is good...I can't wait for some warmer weather and I can really get cracking on bike riding and walking...and hopefully weight loss. ;)

Thursday, March 12, 2009


I am have been feeling very strange lately. Maybe even borderline depressed and it sucks. I need to get out of this funk that I am in. I want to sleep all of the time and have no real desire to do anything but zone off. I am thinking it is partly due to the weather. I want to get outside and get some fresh air, take a walk or ride my bike. But in the past few weeks, it has been rainy, super cold or snowing...which makes it nearly impractical to do. I could suck it up and bundle up...but I am lazy and I really don't like being cold. I feel like such a lump. I have gained 5 or 6 pounds and am not finding the motivation that i need to get my butt in gear and try WW again. UGH...I need to get out of this FUNK!!!
Hopefully some warm weather will brighten my mood.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Why are farts so funny? nasty as they can be, they are funny. Who floated an air biscuit? Dropped a bomb? Pooted? Oh no the covered the worst. Dutch oven? Rofl...cracks me up just thinking about it.
I must say I giggle a little when people have audible one in public and they act all discrete like nothing happened. I mean know we all heard it. It's a normal function...who cares. LOL. I love the human body and all of the funny things that it does.
I must admit however, the SBD's (silent but deadly) one's are the worst! Why are they the worst ones? The stinksiest...ugh gag me!

8 more weeks!

Until Graduation! I can't believe it. I am so excited to almost be done.
I am still nervous however, that I still feel lost sometimes. I feel like there is so much more that I feel I should know how to do at this point. I am praying that it all comes together in my last semester! Woo hoo!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

In a pickle...

So I can't even remember when I started doing it, but as long as I can remember I've always picked off the pickle of my hamburgers when I get fast good. I like pickles and really never tried them on my burger. So this weekend, I did. Its not half bad. I actually did it more out of necessity than wanting to try it. Darn it for driving in the car and only having one hand free! I was pleased with the outcome, however. I might even eat them on there all of the time now...who knows.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Ruling your practice with Faith

I spent a few hours in the PICU (pediatric intensive care unit) and was profoundly struck by the whole experience. I asked the nurse, how do you just not go home everyday and cry? She said, she rules her nursing practice by faith. It got me thinking, what rules my practice?
It's deep. I am not sure what will rule my practice in the future. How can give hope to someone when, there seems to be none? I didn't really believe the phrase, "everything happens for a reason", until late last summer and I really truly do believe that...but its so hard to explain it to someone else. I am sure people with Faith do have an easier time dealing with the tradgedies of life, how can you say everything happens for a reason to a mother who is losing a child? I wish I had faith. I do believe in something bigger, larger than me, but I just don't know what that is yet, I need to find out. I need something stronger than the faith in Modern medicine to get me there.
I have faith that I can be strong, keep it together and make a difference in someone else's life. I think it is a good place to start.

The socially inept...

I swear it seems like I always seem to find them or is it do they find me...?
Last night I went with my boyfriend to go see Lord of the Dance. I loved the show...except for the 3 ladies behind me. They yapped for nearly the whole performance. What gives? This is the 2nd time I have been to see Lord of Dance and the 2nd time I been near some yappers. Joe shh'ed them and one of them got her panties all in a bunch. I mean people throw all etiquette or common courtesy out the window when they go out in public. When a show starts...I'd expect a little chatter, becuase it is exciting and what not...but seriously, if you want to go out to talk go out for coffee or dinner. Don't ruin someone else's experience. Plus the tickets were $50 a pop, so I'd rather enjoy the show and not have it ruined by someone who doesn't get out much and forgot how to behave in public.
I love that Joe, like me has a short fuse with people like this too. It saves me from looking like jerk by having to confront someone, he gladly does it.
Secondly, I really don't understand why when people are walking in an orderly fashion to either get to their seats or to leave the premises, why other's prefer to come to a complete stop and clog up traffic, so they can check out the overpriced T-shirts that are way off to the side or to dead stop becuase they want to see what the concession stand has to offer. You can see it coming...weave your way through traffic and go to where you want to be, its not rocket science. The closer you get to it, the better you will be able to see and then you won't stop traffic.
At the venue last night, Joe was kind of hungry and got a snack of chicken fingers and fries. They serve it up in a big basket thingy and send you off to the side to get the condiments after you pay. Well not only were we behind the traffic stoppers, but they beat us to the condiments. Seriously, there is a line, people are hungry...don't get your condiments and just stand there are dip your fries. There is a line, it isn't a snack bar. Move on, be courteous of other people...don't people learn that when they are growing up? Ah, people never cease to amaze me sometimes. Where is Dear Abby now...I need to write her a letter.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Chocoholics...are in trouble

My aunt sent this to me in an email today. I can't wait to try it!

This is so bad!

4 tablespoons flour
4 tablespoons sugar
2 tablespoons cocoa
1 egg
3 tablespoons milk
3 tablespoons oil
3 tablespoons chocolate chips (optional)
A small splash of vanilla extract
1 large coffee mug

Add dry ingredients to mug, and mix well. Add the egg and mix thoroughly. Pour in the milk and oil and mix well.

Add chocolate chips (if using) and vanilla extract, and mix again.

Put your mug in the microwave and cook for 3 minutes at 1000 watts.

The cake will rise over the top of the mug, but don't be alarmed. Allow to cool a little, and tip out onto a plate if desired.
(This can serve 2 if you want to feel slightly more virtuous.)
And why is this the most dangerous cake recipe in the world? Because now we are all only 5 minutes away from chocolate cake at any time of the day or night.


I love how people think that they are invisible when they pick their nose in the car. I frequently find myself pulling up next to a car and someone is digging for gold. I mean really half knuckle. Gross. Just because you are driving in your car doesn't make you invisible. Everyone else can see what you are doing.
I do admit, that I do pick my nose. And yes... I have done it in my car...I am discreet. If someone is coming up beside me I pull my hand down. I am secret picker...oh crap. I guess my secret is out now!

Monday, January 26, 2009

I love good Sales!

I was at the Library yesterday and met up with my Study Buddies to get some cramming in for the exam that we have today and the library was having a book sale.
As many books as you could fit into a paper shopping bag for 5 bucks! So I stuff my big to the gills with a variety of hard cover and soft cover books. I can't wiat to have some time to read them. I laughed aloud to myself as I picked a few Harlequin Romance books. What the heck...its been ages since I've read any of those, lol. I think I managed to put 25 books in my to find the time to read them all.
I just love when you find a deal like that!

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Goals for 2009

So I have been thinking about Goals for 2009 and I have decided that I need to make them public for all of you to view. Its just a start and some of these will happen...but it will take time.

1. Lose 20+ pounds
2. Graduate from Nursing School
3. Move out of my parents
4. Make a dent in my debt
5. Read 50 books (2 down 48 to go)
6. Take a trip out of the state
7. Get a job in the nursing field
8. Ride my bike 500 miles
9. Walk 1000 miles (daily walking doesn't count, i mean on a treadmill, bike path, etc., making myself go for a walk I mean)
10. Make 365 handmade cards
11. Scrap 52 pages
12. See 10 concerts (1 down, 9 to go)
13. Publish 100 blogs for the year
14. Learn 30 new recipes (If anyone has any good ones, send them my way!)

Its just a start and some of these goals are way easier than the others. I'll try to keep these updated when changes happen.


So I must admit that while watching the inauguration on TV yesterday, I was getting a little teary eyed. I don't know why, but I was caught a little off guard I suppose. I am sad to admit, but I guess I never really cared about the last few elections (although I did vote). I don't know why this one means so much. I could care less if he a black man. I will admit that I never thought I'd see a black man this soon in office in my lifetime. I forsaw it coming, but I thought maybe it wouldn't be until I was in my 50's. I am ready for change, I can't wait to see what happens next. Way to go Barack!
Here is a pic of me sporting my Obama Shirt yesterday:

Monday, January 19, 2009

Do you ever?

Do you ever wonder when you are in a large crowd or see a large crowd of people, think to yourself...this would be the perfect time for terrorists to knock out a large number of people?

I had this conversation at work with a co-worker and she says that she thinks this too. My boss overheard us and told us we were crazy and we shouldn't waste our time worrying about such things. It's not that worry, but I think about it. For example, how perfect would it be for someone to drop a bomb on us or have a shooting spree when we are downtown watching the fire works. The fireworks in Detroit draws a crowd of over a million people, it is loud, it kind of one would even know what hit them. We are all too engrossed in fireworks show and taking in the sites, that would we even know what hit us?
I know I am probably a little weird, but does anyone else feel like this? Do you ever think about it?
Let me know...My Co-worker and I can't be the only one's.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

City in Colour

I went with a girlfriend of mine to see City in Colour last night. We saw a very great acts prior to the headliner too. I am so stoked that they played my favorite song.

Here is a link to a video of the song:

Lyrics to "The Girl"

I wish I could do better by you,
Cos that's what you deserve.
You sacrifice so much of your life,
In order for this to work.

While I'm off chasing my own dreams,
Sailing around the world,
Please know that I'm yours to keep,
My beautiful girl.

And when you cry a piece of my heart dies,
Knowing that I may have been the cause,
If you were to leave, fulfill someone elses dreams,
I think I might totally be lost.

But you don't ask for no diamond rings,
No delicate string of pearls,
That's why I wrote this song to sing,
My beautiful girl

Friday, January 9, 2009


I feel so fat this week! I have no idea why. I almost wish I was sick again because I felt better about myself then, rofl.
WW is going OK and it could be going better than it has been, but I am trying. I just need to try harder and commit to it 100% of the time.
I love how when I weigh myself (naked of course) in the morning and then weigh myself again before I go to bed (in my PJ's), I can gain 8 pounds. And then I can wake up in the morning the next day and lose the 8 pounds, rofl.
I play such a mind game with myself. When I lose lb. or 2, I feel all sexy and when I gain I feel fat and disgusting. I just wish it were easier to lose weight. I just need to try harder.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

The Great Lunch Debate

Everyday its the same debate when I am at work...what do I WANT for lunch? What I ultimately want and what I SHOULD eat are always contradicting each other. I know what I should be eating, but what I want is always tugging at me. I hate it. I wish I had a personal chef that could make whatever I wanted in a "healthy" way. I should just pack lunch, but I HAVE to get out of the office. I am trying to be budget friendly so packing my lunch would be great, but since it is cold, where would I go to eat it? I would eat at my desk, but that doesn't get me out of the office. I could eat at my desk and go to the store for my "lunch break", but then I wind up buying stuff that I really don't need. Its a viscious circle. Today I opted for Taco Bell...and it was a bust.

I love eating Subway, but I never feel satisfied when I am done. I know that I should be eating Turkey or Ham (which I often do), but the meatball sub rocks my socks. Darn Jared...I don't know how he did it. I'd get so bored.

The cheesy bacon gordita Crunch was gross. I was so disappointed. Then I made the mistake of looking at the nutritonal content of it and I about cried. Florine Mark would be so disappointed with me. I should have just went with 3 soft taco's for 12 WW points. At least then I'd "almost" feel satusfied my lunch choice. DARN DARN DARN....I need to get my will power back, I've been a total WW slacker this week.

Ah...Wendy's I love you so. I only eat 3 things there and they all come off of the 99 cent menu. Jr. Bacon cheeseburgers are one of my favorites, but I pick off the healthy part (the lettuce and the tomato). They are 9 WW by the way. The Doublestack is a little more filling and usually makes me happy, and its 9 points too. And fries...who doesn't like Wendy's fries. I have sacrafied one of my VERY favorites and that is the Frosty...why does all of the stuff that taste's so good are so bad for you.

I could always go to my parents house for lunch and have a sandwich and I do that often too. I like when my mom cooks and there are leftovers (that I like). Hmm...can't beat home cooking. I could live off of grilled cheese sandwiches, tomato soup and mac and cheese. But Florine, doesn't like those foods too much either...argh. Am I supposed to eat a salad for lunch? Yuck...that just doesn't "do" it for me.

And then again the cycle starts again when I decide what to have tomorrow.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

What I want...

I stole this from Facebook. Kristi sent it to me, I thought it was pretty funny.

1. Put your MP3 player on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer (questions below)
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS (option to put the name of artist in brackets next to it)
4. Tag at least 10 friends who might enjoy doing the game as well as the person you got the note from.

Us (Regina Spektor)

Hey Ya (Outkast)

Behind the Wheel (Depeche Mode)

No No No (Paolo Nutini)

Chasing Cars (Snow Patrol)

Laid (James)

Tears Dry on Their Own (Amy Winehouse)

Crazy (Aerosmith)

Say It Right (Nelly Furtado)

Condemnation (Depeche Mode)

In Our Nature (Jose Gonzales)

Proud Mary (Tina Turner)

Mouthwash (Kate Nash)

Clocks (Coldplay)

This Ain't A Scene (Fall out boy)

Welcome to the Jungle (Gun's and Rose's)

Incredible (Madonna)

Rhythm Divine (Enrique Iglesias)

Vindicated (Dashboard Confessional)

You're my Best Friend (Queen)

I Love (Tom T Hall)

What I Am (Edie Brickell)

Tell Me Baby (Red Hot Chili Peppers)

The Fear You Won't Fall (Joshua Radin)

The Joker (Steve Miller Band)

Head Over Feet (Alanis Morissette)

Maybe I'm Amazed (Paul McCartney)

Sweet Emotion (Aerosmith)

Trouble (Ray LaMontagne)

What I Want (Daughtry)

Tee Hee, some of these are funny!


So I've been talking with the other girl in the office today about relationships and the past and everything else. I've come to realize how important hindsight is.
As I look back on my relationship with my ex, everything seems so clear. It was so obvious how miserable we were. We treated each other SO badly. It took the littlest things to set each other off and turned into something ugly and monstrous when it did. I'd get so angry about the dumbest shit and it wasn't even the things that I was mad about, that I was REALLY mad about. It was this whole big culmination of everything else and that one little thing set it all into motion.
I am embarrassed to think about how I behaved and how "mean" I got. In hindsight, it was so unnecessary. Why did I do that? I'd like to say that it was because I was trying to protect myself, but deep down I always knew I was just trying to make him as miserable as I was. Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying that I am/was at total fault in that failed relationship, but I didn't make things any easier. There were times when I hated him and no matter what he had done or not done, I don't think it would have made a difference. He was just not the right person for me and it was a mess.
I could have ignored the dumb shit and focused on what was so big and bothering me. I am not sure if it would have made a difference at all if I would have acted differently and at this point in my life I am not going to dwell on it.
I look at other people around me and I know that they are just as miserable as I was. I am so grateful that I got out. So grateful that its over. I know it is difficult and it hard, but don't we owe it to ourselves and our partners to treat each other nicely? If we can't do that, it needs to end. There is nothing worth it in the world to keep on keeping on in misery. End'll be happy in the long run. Trust me, I know. If you don't look at your partner and think "sigh" that he/she is the best, why not? Did you ever? Can you?

I look at Joe all of the time and think "sigh", he is a great person. Where has he been all of my life? Everything is good. I am warm and fuzzy inside.
I think of hindsight and the weird part is, I don't feel like I can make mistakes this time around. Its a different kind of relationship that I have with Joe and it feels great. I don't ever feel like I have to watch what I say, because I never have anything mean to say. I never think mean things. I never feel lost. I never have been this happy. Who knew...

Sunday, January 4, 2009


So I have been thinking a lot about the future lately and what it holds for me and I have some BIG decisions to make soon.
Everything hangs in the balance of school and each decision I make from that point on will potentially affect the rest of my life.

I want a family...but I want to travel and see the world.

I want to do some awesome medical things, like help other's in a foreign country...but I want a family.

I want some space of my own...but I want Joe to ask me to move in someday.

I want to finish my bachelor degree in nursing...but I want to avoid schoolbooks for as long as possibly can again.

I have some tough choices to make in the spring, I am sure I'll know what to do when that time comes.

Thursday, January 1, 2009 I come!

Happy new year everyone!

I am starting this year off right and plan on blogging just a little but more than I have been. I really enjoyed going back over the past year and seeing how I've grown. I loved reading about how I felt and how much life has changed for me.

2008 was a year to learn from and a year that I will never forget, for good and bad reasons. It kicked me down at its lowest and rose me up as well. It brought me sadness and heartache, but also brought me happiness and love. It brought me strength in times when I was at my weakest and taught me to move on even though there doesn't seem like much to move on for.

I like the idea of resolutions, I think that they give us something to shoot for. I like the idea of being accountable for "you" and I have a few goals for 2009 that I'd like to share:

1. Love more
2. Live more
3. Learn more

I wish you all a blessed 2009 and hope you will take my resolutions and use them for yourself.