I am ever...

So holiday's are always a treat. I love seeing my family and hanging out with them. I also like hanging out with Chris' family too, as long as his step dad isn't around. So after I visited my grandparents and Chris got off of work we headed up to his Grandma's.

I swear every time I hold baby Bella I want to cry. I think about how their (my BIL and GF) crazy life, should be mine. I don't think Chris will ever know or understand how much I want to have a baby. Every time I hear about another cousin or someone else having a baby, I want to breakdown. The problem is tho', that as much as I want a baby, I don't know if my "life" is ready to accept it. My heart is ready...but am I? I would think that my overwhelming emotion that arises when I see a couple walking a baby down the street would be the ultimate clue...but I am not sure. Chris' grandma unknowingly stuck a knife in me when she told me that "kelly" is pregnant again...ugh I hate hearing that. Of course we (chris and I) were the 1st one's to be married and it was expected that we'd have the 1st baby (which is what I thought too), but sadly that isn't the case. We've been together almost 5 years and with each year I feel like we aren't getting any closer to being ready. I know in my heart I am ready...but I am scared too.

The older I get and the longer Chris says he's not ready, makes me freak a little. It would be nice to live a carefree life with no children and to be able to do all of the things that we'd love to do, but something about it makes me feel empty. Like something is missing...and I am not whole. I NEED to be needed by someone or something. I light up everyday when I come home and my kitties greet me at the door. They adore me and they NEED me and I love it. I know it is weird, but I need them to need me. I need to feel like I have a purpose. I need to feel like I am the "whole" of someone Else's world. Boy do I sure sound needy!

I want to be a great mom someday. I will be a great mom someday.