Feeling good

A few weeks ago after working a 12 hour shift, I decided to go to the Eastern Market in Detroit after I got off of work to pick up some goodies. First off, let me say, I just love the Eastern Market in Detroit. I feel like I am channeling my inner hipster when I go down there with my reusable cloth bag. I picked up a pumpkin roll, some cider, jam and veggies and headed home. On my way home, I saw a homeless man on the corner of Mack and I-75. I like most people who I know encouter the homeless or people with a sign asking for food, work or a job turn the other cheek and not look at them. I am not sure what quite makes us do that, but I suspect it is because we either feel guilty or we just want to turn a blind eye to it. Either way, it got me thinking. As I was sitting at the light trying to not look at the man with the sign and remembering what my mother had always taught me about not staring because its rude and makes people uncomfortable, I decided to give him all of my change in the cup holder of my car. The man on the corner was so grateful and blessed me for my offering of my car change. He was mindful of only letting me give him the change from my hands and didn't touch mine. As I was giving roughly the amount of $2 in change, I felt good. It made me feel good about what I had done. In hindsight, after all of this has happened I should ahve given him some of the food I bought! On my way home, I was feeling pretty good about myself and the nice thing that I had done and it got me thinking, I have never had to go without in my whole life. I tried to imagine what it must be like to be homeless or hungry and then I started to feel bad. In the same token, I thought about how I have never really had anything handed to me either at least as an adult. I have studied and worked hard for what I have. I have had struggles, but in comparision to the homeless guy, I am sure they seem nominal and I wonder if he had the chance would he trade places with me. So in spite of feeling good, I am ridden with guilt about all of the things I have and he doesn't. Life can be so unfair.

Trying to conceive~

The concept should be so simple right? Well it isn't, or not atleast for my husband and I. Everywhere I turn I see pregnant chicks and I think to myself, how did you do it? Aside from feeling a slight bit of rage, I am truly jealous, envious and wishing it were me. For as long as I can remember, I've wanted a baby and to be a mom. If I had tried to have a baby in my 20's could I have? Now that I am inching closer towards 40, I wonder what God's plans for me are? Will I get that experience? Or does he have something greater planned for me? My husband and I have often discussed what if we can't have kids, then what? The option of adoption and or fostering children has been up for discussion many times and I am totally open to the idea. Maybe that's what God wants me do? I constantly hear from people, quit thinking about it and trying and it will happen. Are you serious? Do you have any idea how badly I want for this happen? Tick tock, tick tock. I am 38, I feel like the window is closing. The old adage "time is on my side", is not for me in this case, I hope the fertility specialist can help us.

Power Outtage

I have decided that each week for one day, I need to be tech free. No TV, no internet, no cell phone internet/games...gasp! Yesterday we had a power outtage that lasted for almost 12 hours. It was nice, so to speak, except that it was 16 degrees outside and windy. Despite the chilly weather, it was a fun day. My husband and I played board games for most of the day. It was nice to just to be able to "talk" to someone without all of the gadgets around. There are days when I love the computer, the internet, the games, the connectivity, but it is nice to not have them either. We have become slaves to them, relying on them for everything! I can't remember the last time I opened an actual cookbook for a recipe. I use my phone for almost everything. It was nice to actually boil a pot of water and not use the microwave. Let's admit it, microwaved food actually doesn't taste that good...perhaps I should just rid of mine. Do remember when your family got its first microwave? I do, it was a huge monster of machinery. My grandparents had one first though, I thought it was so cool! Oy...I am totally dating myself here. I am getting old. Needless to say, having a power outtage was a welcomed day...despite the cold weather. I felt like I had connected with my old life that I had as a child. It was nice to be free of all of the technology. I hope for the sake of being cold, it goes out next time when it is warmer.

Bucket List Cross off

Well the likeliness of the Detroit Tigers making it to the World Series was a possibly when we were playing the Yankees. My husband said to me "if they make it to the world series, I'd like to try and get tickets." My thought on the whole idea was a little negative. First off, how were we going to be able to afford the tickets and secondly, would I even be able to get any. The morning of the sale I logged onto 2 computers. I was put into a "virtual waiting room" and alas my computer beeped...I was in. My heart was racing with anticiptaion! I chose 2 tickets and got an error. 2 tickets were unavailable. I tried to back out and got booted from the waiting room. So I tried again and got in again! This time I chose 2 tickets, best available. Nothing! Then I tried 3 tickets and voila, I was able to buy tickets. I didn't need 3 tickets, but I didn't want to risk getting booted out of the system again. Sadly our poor Detroit Tigers didn't win the world series or even win a GAME in the series, but it was still a chance of a lifetime. Here are a few pictures of my husband and I at the game.

So excited to be at the World Series October 28th, 2012!

Damn was it cold! 43 degrees, windy and rainy!

After the loss...our sad pouty faces

Trying to start a family...

I have been married for a little over a year now and the desire to start a family is overwhelming. My husband is wonderful! He would make such and awesome dad someday. We have been trying for the year to get pregnant, but nothing has happened. I hear my little ovary clock tick tocking away everyday. I want nothing more than to be a mom. As I get older, the madness gets worse. Its almost all that I think about...it consumes me. I have heard many people tell me to relax and to not think about it and it will just "happen". What if it doesn't? I'll be 40 before I know it and to me that is the cut off. Tick tock...I have 2 1/2 years left. Its so hard to turn off your brain and just try and let things happen. I will never forgive my EX for stealing my best baby making years from me. It is one thing I will NEVER forgive him for. Even though in hindsight, things didn't work out between us and would have likely been an terrible father, I am still bitter about losing all of that precious time! I never wanted anything more than a family and I am sure he knew that he would never be ready...and for that I will never forgive.

A rough end to 2011

Well I had a rough end to 2011 and have been dealing with some health issues.
In November I was diagnosed with Basal Cell Carcinoma on my right cheek. Skin cancer? At 36? Really? Could I have any more worse luck. Wasn't enough to have pre-melanoma 5 years ago?
Being blonde haired, blue eyed and fair skinned is the pits sometimes. I have no idea what Hilter was thinking when he was saying that this is the perfect race. It has given me nothing but trouble. I burn so easily in the sun, my eyes water when its bright outside and my skin is also super sensitive to everything!
The spot on my face started out as nothing super spectacular. It looked like a pimple that wouldn't pop or go away (this spot has been there for a number of years now). Earlier in 2011, it changed shape a little and I headed to the dermatologist to get it checked out. He thought it looked like a cyst and was treating with freezing it. It would burn when he did it, scab over and then not change. After 2 freezing and no results, it was biopsied. My derm was skepitcal that it was anything serious, so it made me feel better and I didn't worry about it. After a week not hearing anything, I forgot about the test results. Surprise...I was called to come in. It was Skin Cancer...and my derm couldn't do anything about it in his office and refered me to another Dr.
Dr. Stiff was awesome. He is also a dermatologist, but couldn't get me in until early december. So on December 3rd, the misery began. I had to have MOHS surgery on my face. Its a local anestethic, with old fashioned lidocaine and a scapel, the only difference is, the derm is trained to look at the tissue under a microscope and decide if more skin needs to be taken in order to get all of the cancer. The surgery went well and I had a huge hole in my face.

Unexpected

Well I recently found out that I had Skin Cancer. I have had a spot on my cheek for about 5 years. It started out as just a small spot, similar to a pimple that wouldn't pop. I saw my dermatologist and thought it was a cyst and he lanced it and I was on my way. It never went away, but it wasn't something that seemed to be so obvious or even that noticeable, so I let it be. In the past year, it seemed to change. It got larger and seemed to turn inward and develop a perfect circular ring around it. I went to my dermatologist again, he thought it looked suspicious and starting freezing the area. It would scab over and peel off, still nothing. In November this year, he took a biopsy of the area, the result: basal cell carcinoma. I panicked. He told me this wasn't something he could do in his office and referred me to Dr. Stiff. Dr. Stiff is a Mohs trained dermatologist. Mohs surgery is basically microscopic surgery. They removed the area with a scapel and review it under a microscope to see if they got all of the cells. If they didn't they go back in and take more and more again if they need to. He was a great Doctor, but unfortunately, I am now left with a Large hole (or crater) in my cheek. But the good news is I am now Basal Cell Carcinoma free. yay!